Motives for managing our families well

Here are more notes from Richard Baxter on what should motivate us to manage our families well and train them up in Christ.
1. When we govern our families well, this is a major part of God's government of the world.  If families are controlled, reverent and trained in godliness, then we are participating in God's plan for the world.
2. An ungoverned, ungodly family is a powerful means to the damnation of all the members of it." In a godly family there are continual motivations and inducements to live as Christ and love as God loves, while in an ungoverned family, no such models, motivations or inducements exist.
3. A well governed family creates safety and ease and pleasure for its members.  This is because sin is being nipped in the bud and love is being nurtured.
4. A well governed family prepares its members for  a well governed church.  This allows ministers to continue to train up the people of God and move them from milk to true food, as well as preparing the way for spiritual discipline and admonition as needed.

Family prayer Times

Should families pray together?  Of course, we answer, but why?  Simply stated, because all churches ought to pray to God and praise him and

a Christian family is a church...a society of Christians gathered for the worshipping and serving of God (Baxter. p83).

This is the call of the family, to gather and worship and serve God in life by discipling new and young believers, modeling Christian living and faith, praising God for his answers to pray and requesting of him the necessities of life.  This is our call as Christians generically and as churches corporately.  Maybe the lack of church prayer stems from a lack of family prayer and a misuderstanding of the nature and purpose of family.

Families don't exist to make us feel good, though that is a by product of true family.  And Families don't exist to meet our needs, thought this too happens.  Rather families exist to glorify God - and glorifying God happens through worship and service, of which prayer is a part.  Let us, as families, commit to praying and teaching our members how to pray that God may be glorified in the present and future generations.

On Managing Your Family

Men, here are some words of advice from an 18th century preacher:

1. Teach your family that your fatherly authority comes from God and that God establishes all authorities both in the home and in society.
2. Fear God greatly and allow that fear and reverence to affect every action and instruction you give.
3. Do not lose your authority by failing to use your authority.
4. Study God's word to learn how to lead, where to go, what to avoid, etc.
5. Understand the temperaments of your family members and deal with each accordingly, not with all the same.
6. Let love manage your life so that your family desires to obey
7. Obey God first.  They wont obey you if they see you disobeying God.
8. Make the enjoyment of God the ultimate end of all you do.
9. Ensure God's authority is maintained more carefully than your own.
10. Love the souls of your family.
11. Don't work them to death, practice moderation.

These have been modified or simplified from Baxter's list in "The Godly Home."  

On missionary dating

We have all heard this before:

I know they will be converted.  God can call them if he will;  if i just love them and share God with them we can marry and he or she will become a believer later.

Listen to Richard Baxter's response over 300 years ago,

"First, then, it seems because you love an ungodly person, you will be easily turned to be ungodly.  If so, you are not much better already.  If love will not draw you to their mind to be ungodly, why should you thing love will draw them to your mind to be godly?  Are you stronger in grace than they are in sin?  Second, if you know well what grace is and what a sinful, unrenewed soul is, you would not think it so easy a matter to convert a soul.  Why are so few converted if it is so easy a thing?  You cannot make yourselves better by adding higher degrees to the grace you have; much less can you make others better by giving them the grace that they do not have.  Third, it is true that God is able to convert them when he will; and it is true that for aught I know it may be done.  What of it?  Will you, in so weighty a case, take up with a mere possibility?  God can make a beggar rich, and for aught you know the contrary, he will do it; and yet you will not, therefore, marry a beggar; nor will you marry a leper because God can heal him.  Why then should you marry an ungodly person because God can convert him?  See it done first, if you love your peace and safety." p44-45

On Choosing a Spouse

I promised to share more gems from Baxter's The Godly Family.  Here is one for all the singles to consider, and for the parents to pass on to their children:

If you fear God, your chief end in marriage will be to have one who will be a helper to your soul and further you in the way to heaven. p42

Going on Baxter gives some advice in evaluating potential prospects,

1. "Judge them by their love...If they love the Word and the servants and worship of God and love a holy life and hate the contrary, you may embrace such, though their knowledge is small and abilities weak.  But is they have no love to these and live a common, careless, sensual life, you may avoid them as ungodly."p43-44
2. Be able to identify why you love them.  "To say you love but that you do not know why is more beseeming children or the insane than those who are soberly entering upon a change of life of so great importance to them.  A blind love that makes you think a person excellent and amiable who, in the eyes of the wisest who are impartial, is nothing so or that make you overvalue the person whom you fancy who in the eyes of others is next to contemptible - this is but the index and evidence of your folly." p 39-40
3. Pay attention to their nature and disposition.  Make sure you can stand it.  Are they easy to please?  Can they match wits and intellect with you?  Are they humble?  Can they be quiet?  Will they speak?  Each of these is important.

If Christians were to pay attention to these guidelines from the 1700's, marriages would have such a better foundation and success rate.  particularly #1, for if one hates being around god's people, or says they love the Bible but refuses to ever read it with you and pray with you, this is a sure sign to be concerned.

Should you get married?

I started reading "The Godly Home" today by Richard Baxter.  Baxter was a 1700's puritan pastor in England and he wrote a tome on Christian living which is being republished in 4 parts.  I have read the volume on being a pastor, and when I saw this I had to read it.

Today I learned about the first direction that he gives to families and potential families.
1. Before rushing into marriage, each person must understand God's will for their life and whether He approves of them marrying or not.  Let me quote him directly,

"First, it is God whom you must serve in your married state, and therefore it is proper that you take his counsel before you rush upon it, for he knows best what belongs to his service."

In order to determine God's will and counsel on the issue, Baxter outlines a series of things to consider carefully:

1. Are your parents commanding you to marry, if so, that is God's will for you.
2. Are you unable to control your body and have you tried every means available in order to your sexual urges, including medical treatments (Yes, Baxter says that).  If the answer is yes to both questions, then you are probably called to marriage.
3. Will marriage allow you to be the most use to God and the public in glorifying him and working to save the souls of others?  If so, marry; if not, abstain.
4. Are you already married?  Then stay married, God has ordained it for you once you enter into the marriage covenant.

Then there are a few other guidelines he gives for those whose parents forbid them from marriage, those who have eloped, those who have promised themselves to others, etc. It was a very engaging section and one which our world would do well to consider carefully, especially since more marriages end in divorce than manage to last.

I look forward to sharing more of Baxter's thoughts as time progresses.

Secret to a long marriage

"It is often possible to understand why a marriage fails, as so many do. It is much more difficult, though, to elucidate why one succeeds. Why do some couples thrive, while others fizzle or flame out, despite their best intentions?"  


The Wall Street Journal ran an article today on the secret to a happy long marriage.  The #4 - don't die early. Stay alive and you can have a long married life.  Thanks for the obvious.  But the other 3 items were more worthwhile: 
1. Find the middle ground - give and take is what makes a marriage work
2. Be funny, learn to joke and laugh with one another
3. Never ever give up.  Stick with it and it will last.


I appreciate their candid assessment of number 3.  It is hard to be married, there is good and there is bad, but keep with it and it will last.  For once, the wisdom of the world seems to be coinciding with that of the Scriptures.  Husbands love you wives, wives respect your husband.  Let no man separate what God has joined together.  There is #1 and #3 again with some humor thrown in for good measure.

Christian Parenting - What is a Biblical Worldview? How to Impart it. Part 2

Richard Mouw, President of Fuller Theological Seminary has an excellent correspondence course entitled, "Christian Worldview and Contemporary Challenges."  In this course, Mouw outlines 4 questions that are essential to the creation of any worldview:
1. What is the general view of reality?
2. What is the nature of the human person?
3. What is the nature of the human predicament?
4. What is the solution to this predicament?

Or stated another way,
1. Where am I?
2. Who am I?
3. What's wrong?
4. What's the remedy?

If as parents we are called to train up our children in the way they should go, then we must focus on helping our kids to gain a solid answer to each of these transcendent questions.  They need more than just platitudes like "be good", "don't lie", and "help others."  These are true, but they reduce worldview to relativism and moralism.  And because of this, they are subject to change as our culture redefines what "good", "truth" and "helping" are.

In order to oppose this moralizing and relativizing tendency, we need to impart the grand story of humanity to our children, and we need to do it in a compelling, holistic, total way.  Our children need to learn that:
1. We are inhabitants of God's created world.  This is his universe.  These are his people.  This is his land, and so He is Lord of it all.
2. Because it is God's world, all people are creatures made in God's image, the pinnacle of his creation and individually of inestimable worth.  We are inherently valuable and worthy of respect.
3. But we are all sinners, who are disobedient and stubbornly refuse to conform to God's laws to Love him and love others as we love ourselves.  We have all denied his authority and turned form his kingdom in order to establish our own kingdoms.
4.  The solution to this problem, is the grace of God being given to people in order to love them and draw them back into the Kingdom.  This grace brings forth repentance, a turning from disobedient refusal to submit, and joyful, grateful submission to God's laws for God's world.

All four of these Christian premises are under attack in our world, and each one builds on the one previous.  Without an understanding that God is the sole creator, then it is impossible to believe we are all valuable without questions, that each person is worthy of respect and love.  Without this belief, one cannot recognize that when this respect isn't given, not only is the person offended, but God their creator is offended and sin is running our lives.  Furthermore, without a belief in sin, then there is no foundation for a belief in repentance and submission to the original creator.  We must teach our children these foundational truths.  We must ground them in the Scriptures and teach them the stories from an early age.

Worldviews are imparted and enforced by the cultures we are immersed in.  Hindu children accept the Hindu worldview because everything around them is conformed to that worldview.  The same is true of Buddhist, Muslim and Jewish children.  And to change a worldview requires a vast amount of psychological dissonance.  It isn't impossible, just highly difficult.  So, how much of our society reflects the Christian worldview?  Unfortunately, most of it is shaped by secularism, a worldview which posits that I am in a material world, as a material being, the problem is that I don't have enough and the remedy is to accumulate as much as possible at whatever expense in order to be happy.  This is simplistic, but it is true.  The secular view denies God, sin, service, salvation.  Do we want our children immersed into this worldview or do we want something better for them?

Returning to my earlier premises in previous posts, the best way to impart a biblical worldview is by immersing our children in situations where that view predominates.  Personally, we have decided that the home is the ideal place, although others may choose alternative options like Christian schools.  After deciding on where to immerse your children, the next question becomes, "How do we help them to defend their view?"

My answer: Use every opportunity available to ask your children the four worldview questions.  Ask them when they read a book what was being taught about worldview.  Ask them when they watch a movie or listen to a song, what is being posited about the nature of reality and the problems  we are facing and the solutions needed.  Take them to the Scriptures and train them.  Read books yourself that challenge your worldview and wrestle with the answers that are being presented in these books.  Teach your children that every position is a faith position.  There is always an underlying premise that cannot be proven and so everyone must take a stand of faith at some point.  Help them see this and tell them why you believe the Christian and particularly the reformed expression of Christianity are the most coherent.  Finally, pray.  Pray for wisdom, insight and words to speak.  Pray for your children to have the gospel dwelt in deep. Pray for the gospel to become their own.

If there are other ideas out there, I would love to here those thoughts as well.

Christian Parenting - What is a Biblical Worldview?

Are your children being taught to think like the Scriptures?  When they encounter the ethical questions of life, will they work through these difficulties based on the teachings of Scripture or the indoctrination of secular philosophy?  As Christian parents, we are called to train up our children in the way they should go and one of the best ways of training them is to ground them in a Biblical Worldview.

A Worldview is a set of beliefs about the way life is to be lived.  We all have a worldview.  We all believe certain things about how to interact with each other, how to best punish or encourage one another, or what is right and what is wrong.  Similarly, a Biblical worldview  (BW, for short) views these questions and countless others through the eyes of God as he has revealed himself in the Bible.  A BW sees all of life as the gift of God, it sees all of humanity as creatures called to live in submission to God.  This is the foundation from which all ethical, social, political and economic decisions must be made.

How do you instill this into your children?  First, you have to live it yourself.  Do you believe that God is God and has the right to tell you how to live?  Do you believe that your finances, time, relationships and politics should conform to God's plans for humanity?  If you don't, you will never succeed in giving your children a BW.  But if you do, then you can move onto the step 2.

Step 2 is to pray for your children.  Practice the other disciplines we have discussed earlier in these posts: family worship, obedience, spiritual formation.  These lay the groundwork by modeling the importance of taking time to seek God and living under authority.  When this is in place, or concurrent with it, start to catechize your children.

Catechizing is a process of teaching children core truths of the Scripture by question and answer.  Our family is currently using the Westminster Shorter Catechism as we work through Starr Meade's book, Training Hearts, Teaching Minds.  By memorizing the questions and answers, we are planting the foundations of a scripture based worldview in our children.  I am currently working on a similar book related to the Heidelberg Catechism.  Each of these catechisms cover things like: Who is God?  Who is man?  What is sin?  What does the 10 commandments teach?  The Lord's Prayer?

As children learn these 100-127 questions the foundations are established.  Then over time we can invite our children to reflect on political and social events from their understanding of the Scriptures.

Christian Parenting - Spiritual Formation in the Family PART 3 - Sabbath Rest

Have you ever thought about the significance of the Sabbath?  In a fast-paced culture our children and our families never have time to slow down and reflect on what is truly important.  But God says in Exodus 31:13,

‘You must observe my Sabbaths. This will be a sign between me and you for the generations to come, so you may know that I am the Lord, who makes you holy.'

The Sabbath is about teaching our children where true holiness originates and how it is passed on to humanity.

Christian Parenting - Spiritual Formation in the Family PART 2 - Forgiveness and Repentance

Repentance and forgiveness are major themes in the Bible.  Not only are we as people called to repent from our evil ways before God, but we are called to forgive those who sin against us.  The hardest words for someone to utter are "I am sorry, will you forgive me for..."  I have watch all 5 of my children struggle to say these words.  Sometimes they get the "I'm sorry", other times they say "will you forgive me?" And occasionally they even way it and mean it, but to say the entire sentence, naming the transgression is almost more than they can bear.

Why is this?

Christian Parenting - Spiritual Formation in the Family

Since the goal of Christian parenting is to raise obedient disciples of Jesus Christ, then every family needs to be a place of spiritual formation.  This isn't the job of the Church, or youth pastor, it is the job of parents.  Children need to be taught and have modeled to them the lifestyle habits that make for obedient discipleship. And they need it to come from their parents. These lifestyles and patterns of life include prayer, Scripture study, Scripture memorization and meditation, worship, submission, forgiveness, repentance, Sabbath rest, generosity, Stewardship and a host of other disciplines.

The Word calls us to train up our children in the way they should go  (Prov. 22:6).  We are the parents and our children are our heritage, and if rightly trained, a blessing not only to ourselves but to all whom they will come into contact.  So how does one begin the process of making the home a place of spiritual formation?

The Tragedy of Syncretism - 2 Kings 17

I have been reflecting on 2 Kings 17 for about a week or two, and their are two verses that continue to jump out at me. The first is the final half of verse 15, "They imitated the nations around them although the Lord had ordered them, "Do not do as they do," and they did the things the Lord had forbidden them to." The second is the concluding verse of the chapter, "To this day their children and grandchildren continue to do as their fathers did."

These two verses, though seperated by the exiling of Israel and the Assyrian policy of resettling conquered lands are connected more deeply than we might care to believe. These verses expound the tragedy of syncretism, the tragedy of individuals, families and cultures that refuse to submit to God's ways, and ultimately God's Son. Everyone of us is hopelessly syncretistic, we try to meld the worship of God Almighty, Creator of the heavens and the earth, with our worship of the gods of the land: money, power, sex, beauty, success, violence, death...

Single Parenting

This year, more than any year in the past, has found me playing the role of single parent. A little less than 2 years ago we moved to Washington State to pastor. My mother in law moved with us, however she didn't have the luck of selling her home as quickly and so my first shot at the single dad gig happened when Jen and Nana flew back to moved the house stuff out. Again this week, they are in Colorado moving another set of things this way, with the possibility of a third trip. That is the context. Now on to the meat.

Up early, up late, some days only 2 meals because that's i misjudged the time it took to prepare them and breakfast went on at 10:30 a.m. and dinner at 7 p.m. I tried to keep up with the homeschooling thing to find that I could accomplish exactly half of what my wife does, as I was still responsible to work, albeit, I have the option to work from home. We did have a great week, we watched a movie each evening as a partial family, we searched for mushrooms yesterday and even went swimming, but I have a greater respect for the single parent as well as for my wife.

First for the single parent, I now understand why TV is such a part of their life. I was plum tuckered out by evening time and TV provided an oasis. I could be with my kids but essentially unresponsible for them. They got to cuddle and I got to rest. Their job never stops, but continues on and while I had many people offer to help, I never quite knew what help to ask for. These two insights bring me to my observation concerning the church. Churches need to do a better job of helping the single parent, we need to see their needs and provide for them, not just offer but actually do something tangible for them - a night off, set up alternate parent mentors for their kids, get them some meals, etc... These would go a long way to caring for some of the tangible needs. Even simply providing childcare at every event would be a great gift to many single parents.

Now for my wife. Taking the venue to give her kudos, she is awesome. I couldn't live without her, and frankly I forget to tell her this often enough. As spouses, we need to speak our appreciation in concrete ways to them. We need to understand how much they do to keep life moving and be gracious for every bit of it. Tonight I will thank my wife with a gift of flowers. How will you thank your spouse? ...Read more

Is Social Security a good option?

Recently I have been reflecting on social security and its perceived benefits to society by acting as a safety net for retirees and other at risk families. I am increasingly questioning whether the notion of governmental insurance programs like social security are social and/or secure.

Following are my initial thoughts:
To begin, the idea of sociality is that a group of people come together and cooperate because it is in their best interest to promote each others welfare. Every society and culture is founded upon this notion. At its core, socialization allows individuals to become more human by cooperating with one another, not by withdrawing and separating. Unfortunately the effects of governmental insurance programs have been to separate people from those who are most interested in their success.
By turning to governments to fill needs in times of crises, people are actually made less social and relationships are destroyed as family coherence breaks down and the nuclear and extended family increasingly neglect their responsibility to care for their families needs (1 Timothy 5:3-4). Some may argue that my payment of taxes for such programs is proof of my concern for their welfare. Is that so? Show me when you visit these needy and neglected people. I have spent time in the retirement centers and those on social security are the neediest and loneliest of all people. Sending money is not the same are strengthening social bonds. Furthermore, the social function of the church is destroyed by taking from the church their God appointed place as those who care for the orphan and widow that others aren't caring for (1 timothy 5:5).
This is not to say that a government system can't coexist with a strong family and church social structure, the Amish are evidence that it can. What it does say, however, is that it is increasingly unlikely that in the midst of widespread government insurance for a family and church system to stand up and maintain integrity in caring for those under their care. Increasingly, denominations large and small, across the theological spectrum have encouraged their clergy not to opt out of social security claiming it is morally sound. Is it morally sound to destroy the social fabric of society for a few dollars?
That leads to my second thought. Is social security secure? As birth rates fall, and the older generations age, their are only three options for providing the required funds needed for the promises governments have made:Reduce the benefits these insurance programs pay, Tax the younger generations more, Inflate the currency. Historically, ruling authorities do not survive when they reduce benefits, and while taxing the younger generations may be a temporary solution, it cannot be a long-term sustained solution. As birth rates continue to decline, tax rates must increase in such a situation and there is a threshold which will inevitably be reached before revolution or black-markets take over, thus crippling the system even more. That leaves the third option, as the option most governments including our own have taken: Inflate the currency by printing more money. However this tack, actually penalizes the very people government has set out to help. As fixed income elderly and those in need, the very act of causing inflation is insecure, instead of secure.
Thus social security is neither social, nor is it secure for those who most need help. The answer, return to the primacy of the nuclear family and allow them to maintain as much of their income as possible in order to care for those the Word of God calls them to care for.
For a great book on the interrelation between governmental pensions, prosperity, population and family see
Juurikkala, O. (2007). Pensions, Population, and Prosperity. (Acton Institute:Grand Rapids, MI)

...Read more